I was embarrassed to admit to a writer friend of mine that I was currently reading a fantasy novel series, a way to distract my mind from dark thoughts, an attempt to bring some levity to my days and nights. She reprimanded me, in a friendly way, telling me that I never had to apologize for reading something I liked. So, I confessed. I’m reading Sarah J Maas’ first series Throne of Glass…and I love it. Think The Hunger Games crossed with Harry Potter, crossed with Lord of the Rings. It's fantastic, full of characters who have magic and yet are so human, making mistakes while they fight the oncoming darkness. And there’s a little bit of romantic tension thrown in the background, which always makes me tingle.
The thing I love the most about the book however is the heroine, Celaena Sardothien. Her transformation throughout the series is The Heroine’s Journey, and the power she generates from deep inside herself is immense. When she doesn’t use her power it niggles away at her, building over time, forcing a release. No, I am not anything like Celaena, and yet I feel connected to her in so many ways. She has imposter syndrome, doubts and insecurities like all of us, and yet she surges forward, one day, one action at a time.
And that’s what I have been doing since my return from Italy. I have not yet written about my trip because it’s difficult to capture what I experienced. I just finished processing the hundreds of photos I took while there, and I am just as astonished with the beauty as I was when I beheld the sites with my eyes in real time. I could live in Italy. There is no doubt in my mind. The rolling hills are perfect for bike riding (and so helpful with an electric bike—my first time using one and I’m smitten); the delicious fresh food every day is so nourishing(and the olive oil, oh my goddess); the lack of hustle culture is so refreshing (sure it’s there somewhere, just hidden and not as obvious as it is in the US); the friendliness of Italians is delightful; and the architecture... Oh. My. God. I had forgotten how old Europe is, like hundreds of years older than the US. One church we visited, the Duomo di Siena, was constructed in 1215, took 300 years to build, and then another 300 years for all the artists, sculptures, and painters to adorn, inside and out.
So what does the heroine Celaena and my trip to Italy have in common? First of all, both my external retreat to Italy and my internal retreat with this book series has pulled me back from the edge of severe burnout from my job, from thinking that I just can't do this anymore. I can now see the tremendous benefits of working so hard, the fact that I am privileged to be able to travel to other countries, and can do so easily with the amount of vacation time I get each year and with the compensation for my work. I am so lucky. So blessed. But that’s not all.
I have been feeling stuck when it comes to my writing, my blog writing, my creative writing, my memoir re-writing. It started to feel like work, which on top of the work I do during the day, was not something I looked forward to. So on my trip to Italy I committed myself to taking a break from writing and to focus on expressing myself through art. I learned a few new art techniques (gel plating images was one!), playing with these techniques, continuing to let go of my perfectionism and to just play. Something I struggle with, as my perfectionism has helped me get to where I am today so it's hard to let go. I also just started a 30-day gratitude practice with a group of female artists. Everyday we make a gratitude list and we compliment our lists with visual art--watercolors, paint pens, collage photos, calligraphy, markers, black gesso, or anything else that comes to mind. We then share our gratitude art with each other every day.
While I have really loved doing this daily art, I miss writing. Like Celaena’s power pushing up from deep within her center, the urge to write, to express myself in words, is returning. And I am welcoming it back.
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